"VICTIM, SURVIVOR, OR THRIVER?"
OR
"WHY DO WE PUT OUR OWN SELF CARE LAST"
by Mary Miyakawa
After surviving parenthood of 6 “airplane” babies, (a term given to our family by our just
adopted 11 year old daughter from the Viet Nam war), I can now give you the benefit of
HINDSIGHT! The words, “victim, survivor, or thriver,” were first heard in the mental health field
concerning adult victims of childhood abuse. The goal was to not only survive the difficult
circumstances, but to rise above it and be a ‘thriver’ on life’s journey. Having raised our children
from 1969 until 1988 when the last 2 graduated from high school, I have since had the honor
and blessing of a private practice in clinical social work, dealing with many variations of
‘victimhood,’ and its pervasive influence on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It is clear that
negative experiences perpetrated on us by outside forces can result in overwhelming
powerlessness and the belief system of a victim. Therefore, if we are fortunate enough to
survive, we often find ourselves in a mind state that promotes high stress body reactions the rest
of our lives, preventing us from ever feeling that we are “thriving.”
What I have noticed in myself, and many others, including many different adoption
combinations, is the tendency, when the going gets really tough, to feel “victimized” by our own
decisions. I thought about whether we could be victims of our own decisions and that yes, we
could decide on some pretty destructive courses and then experience the consequences, such as
drug addiction, alcoholism, suicide, antisocial behaviors. Those negative types of decisions come
from problematic thinking. However, when we decide to build our family from adoption, fulfilling
our life long dream of being a parent, it is usually from a positive, upbeat, empowered position of
understanding our goals in life and taking steps to fulfill these goals. Having said all of the above,
the question remains, can we be victims of our own empowered, self determination?
I believe the answer is no. We are not ‘victims’ of our own empowered decision making. So
now that we are no longer victims, what do we do when it is so hard to be the ever-patient,
ever-wise, ever-positive, ever-loving, mother, father, single parent, adoptive parent, handicapped
parent, working parent, student parent, parent of twins, learning disabled, attachment
disordered, FAS and drug addicted babies, older, high needs adoptees and more? The answer is:
we deliberately give ourselves well organized, wisely chosen, joy producing, nurturing, energizing
SELF CARE. How many of we who are continuously multi-tasking (or is it multi-taxing), find
‘putting our own needs last’ a very easy pattern to slip into? I did, and I still do.
I’m one of those who has to learn by trial and error – meaning learning the hard way. Most of
the valuable lessons in life I have learned from my children. For example, after morning after
morning of engineering 6 children out the door to chase the school bus, with full tummies, hair
combed, back packs and homework, and me left feeling like a wreck and thinking like a victim,
ganged up on by various moods and spats, I soon learned to rise early, comb my hair, wash my
face, brush my teeth, put on a specially chosen, beautiful bathrobe, and eat my breakfast before
the first child appeared in the kitchen. I put 2 little reminders on the cupboard: “You can carry it
like a burden, or do it like a dance!” The other one was, “Stay friendly but firm.” Putting myself,
literally, first, enabled me to have fun and be my best self in sending my children off to school
with a happy vision of mom in their hearts. This may seem like a small, insignificant example, but it
is one that remains with me as a metaphor of those years of child rearing. When I followed this
principle, I felt happy, energetic, and empowered. When I let it slip away, I found myself
becoming more and more overwhelmed by stress. The best validation is the flight instruction to
give the adult the oxygen first, and then the child.
Draw a circle with pie pieces that represent the time and energy you put in to each aspect of
living. My guess is there would be a tiny sliver for self care. If you are doing QUALITY self care,
you are including four main areas: physical, emotional and mental, social, and spiritual. You are
exercising regularly, eating healthy food, staying away from smoking, junk food, too much caffeine
(to make up for lack of energy); you drink lots of water and you take good care of your physical
appearance. For your emotional and mental well being, you have special hobbies, you journal, you
don’t shy away from mental health services when needed; you understand how to relax your
body and mind, through deep breathing, yoga, being out of doors. It is vital that you keep your
social connections alive by actively participating with spouses, partners, friends, family, and
networking with those with whom you have common interests. Not least of all we need to honor
and fulfill the matter of our spiritual beingness.
Challenges in life, regardless of whether you have adopted children, bring us face to face with
ourselves and the choices we make. Why not follow the principles of Stephen Covey in his book,
“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” (Especially, #7)
1. Be Proactive. You are responsible for your life. Decide what you should do and get on
with it.
2. Begin with the End in Mind.
3. Put First Things First. (Devote more time to what’s important rather than urgent.)
4. Think Win-win. (Have an abundance mentality.)
5. Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.
6. Synergize. Seek ways to cooperate with everyone. Value the differences between people.
7. Sharpen the Saw. Continually exercise and renew four elements of your self: physical,
mental, emotional/social, and spiritual.
If you are one of those adoptive moms who throw up your hands and wonder how you will ever
have time to focus on your own needs, let alone actually do ‘self care,’ it is important to
remember small steps. Just try having a wonderful magazine on gardening or something on
women’s wellness handy to look at pictures or lightly read while waiting in front of the school, or
gymnastic class, or a long stop light, or an escape to the bathroom when your home is chaotic.
Savor those small moments and then build on them. There is a difference between intention and
actually doing. Set short term goals that lead to long term goals of personal fulfillment and joy. It
is very helpful to do this with a good friend, encouraging each other and reminding the other not
only how important it is, but how absolutely necessary for surviving and thriving while we launch
the next generation!
Adoption Counseling & Educational Services
|
