Keelerchildrendonttalk

Why Children Don't Talk (Much) About Adoption
by Virginia Keeler-Wolf

Parents often say that their children don't talk much about adoption and don't seem interested
when parents bring up the topic. Does this mean children really aren't concerned about
adoption's themes?

Adoption is a concept that takes many years (into adolescence at least) to be fully
comprehended. For pre-schoolers, the earliest understanding may be that adoption is just the
way they arrived in their families. Young children should be told simple versions of both their birth
and their adoption stories. These stories introduce children to the significant people in their lives
in both the birth and adoptive families. In telling the adoption story, it is important to identify your
motives for adopting. It is crucial to acknowledge the important role of the birth parents and
what may have motivated them to make an adoption plan. Children usually love to hear how their
parents prepared for their arrival and the details of their entry into their families. Children also
need to hear and enjoy hearing their birth stories, as these stories connect them to the human
race and reiterate the epiphany that is each child's entry onto the planet. Both of these stories
should be told regularly, adding details as the child is able to take them in.

According to clinical psychologist Mary Watkins and psychoanalyst Susan Fischer (both adoptive
mothers) in their book Talking With Young Children About Adoption, the job of parents isn't just
to inform children that they are adopted, nor simply to mete out information as they mature. We
must learn how to listen in order to understand how children experience adoption and what it
means to them at different stages. This ability to listen can be a big challenge, for discussing
adoption with your child involves an interaction between two people (you and your child) who
are not only different developmentally but are also differently-related to the adoption experience.

Research by Dr. David Brodzinsky has shown that adoptive parents, mothers in particular, are likely
to overestimate their children's knowledge and understanding of adoption. He cautions parents
not to stop discussion prematurely simply in the mistaken belief that a child who can Òtalk
adoptionÓ can understand adoption. Parents need to attend to how a child's understanding is
evolving, to know at what point he might be eager and able to understand ideas that just weeks
before would have held little interest for him.

What is a parent to do? If it is typical for parents to over-estimate children's understandings, how
can they assess their own child's interest in and readiness for more information? The best way to
develop a window into his interests and concerns is to listen to the language he uses to make
sense of the world. The universal language of children is play. Children's stories, roles and games
reflect the themes and issues they are interested in and are grappling with.

One way for parents to regularly have this window into their children's interior world is in Òfloor
time.Ó Passive activities like reading a story, doing a puzzle or watching a video together, as
important and educational as they may be, can't substitute for floor time. The goal of floor time is
to be fully involved with your child, wherever he or she may go. Floor time involves setting aside a
special period of time (about 20-30 minutes) several times each week, for yourself and your child
together. Turn off the phone and TV so there are no distractions. Within this structure of time,
allow yourself a spontaneous and unstructured role, following your child's lead. The goal,
according to Stanley J. Greenspan, MD, author of Playground Politics: Understanding the
Emotional Life of Your School Age Child, and a strong advocate of floor time, is to "march to your
child's drummer" and to tune in to the child at his level. "Floor time goes beyond Ôquality time'
because your child determines the direction of the play or conversation.

The ideal floor time happens spontaneously, but with busy lives it helps to set aside specific times.
With younger children, floor time will center on play. Having access to toys, costumes or other
play materials is important.

The only rules are simple ones: first, that neither you nor your child can break anything or hurt
either of you; and second, that otherwise the child is the complete and total boss. After that,
you are off and running. You don't need to work hard at analyzing the unconscious elements of
your child's world of play or try to interpret his feelings about it. However, as you have more
experiences with your child's world of play, you will be able to notice recurring emotional themes
(perhaps, such as questions about belonging, who is alike and who is different, lost
pets/children/animals/animals).

Your goal is to assist your child communicate in a deeper way about whatever interests him or
her. If you are an eager participant and empathic listener, you will be able to assist your child in
exploring his concerns. It is crucial that you let your child be the director of her play time. If your
daughter wants you to be a little lost kitten, ask her how you should play the role -how does the
kitten feel? Is the kitten scared, worried, hungry, etc.? Let your child determine the course of
the drama. The question of how the kitten's dilemma can be resolved should be up to your child,
not you. It your child wants to crawl under your shirt and pretend over and over again that she
grows in your tummy and that you give birth to her, do as she directs. Don't use this time to
correct her; rather than revealing a miscomprehension of reality, she may be playing out her wish
about your. If you feel the need to comment, you could share your own wish that she grew in
your tummy too.

For adoptive parents whose relationship to loss is different from their child's, it can be painful to
play the role of the lost kitten without trying to push the game toward a happy ending. Watkins
and Fisher explain that parents need to listen not only to the ways a child's understanding is
similar to their own, but also for the ways in which it is differ-ent. "These differences aren't simply
efforts to be corrected, but can also be expressions of how adoption is experienced by the
individual."

Many parents try too much to control the play or conversation during floor time. Adults can be
uncomfortable with silent moments, filling them in with too many questions. Many parents find
the first few weeks of floor time rocky because they can't resist slipping into the control mode.
Greenspan says if you have clear and accurate expectations of what your child will do or say next,
you are probably being too directive. Your floor time sessions should be full of surmises as your
child pursues new directions, fresh solutions to problems, different resolutions to old stories. As
you play, keep in mind that yours is the helper role: am I asking too many questions? am I telling
my child what to do? do I know what is going to happen next? If your answer to any of these
questions is yes, then sit back and listen more.

Floor time requires that we slow down our usual pace and usual habit of correcting our child's
"incorrect' perceptions. It can be difficult just to relax and help children to move in the directions
they choose. You need to participate in the play without taking it over. To get involved, you
could say, for example: "Do you want me to be one of the animals in the forest?" "What should I
do next?" You want to be an actor in the drama your child directs.

Parents sometimes say "he isn't interested in talking or playing with me. He turns his back when I
try to get involved." This can be discouraging, but all behavior should be regarded as
communication. Rather than feeling put off, you can instead take what the child offers and
explore those themes with him, allowing yourself to tune into and become part of your child's
interior world. Unstructured, child-directed play can have a powerful effect upon your child. It
offers a strong sense of being cherished for uniqueness, of being cared for, of being loved and
protected, and of being understood. It lets your child know you are interested in him as an
individual. Floor time opens opportunities for your child to process vague, half-formed feelings
-whether the feelings are needy, angry, anxious, sad, or anything else -within the loving
contain-er of your relationship.

For further reading about using child-directed play to promote security, trust, and self-worth in
children, see: Talking with Young Children About Adoption by Watkins and Fisher; Playground
Politics by Greenspan; and How To Talk So Children Will Listen and How To Listen So Children Will
Talk by Adelle Faber.